180228 Vision: the Curse of Cain
As I was worshiping, a thick presence of the Lord fell upon me and His love surrounded like a cloud. And then the voice started.
“I know you since you were born, I knit you together in your mothers womb.” Then all my concerns came back to me as the declaration of the worship song flooded my mind. “I am no longer a slave to fear.” Then God reminded me of so many situations that fear is overpowering in my life.
Tears start to fall. Then I just sensed the Fathers love. “You are my son in whom I am well pleased.” I felt like I came back to 6 or 7 years old – jumping around so excited in welcoming my Father God from work. “I have always been here Ian. When you felt alone. When you were afraid. I’ve waited all these time, you are not alone.”
The lyrics passed my mind. “I am a child of God.” I can feel the lies of unworthiness and trying to attain God’s acceptance fell off my shoulders.
God has given me a new identity. But because of my fear and my expectation of my Dad’s displeasure, I stayed away like the wayward son feeling bad and guilty. I tried with all my strength to be worthy but failed.
The song echoed again. “I am a child of God. I am no longer a slave to fear.” Mighty waters rushed this time as hot tears stream from my eyes down my face.” I could also see the Father hold His arms around me. “I am your Father. I will never leave you. I will be faithful to you. . .”
Then another thought flashed in my mind. As it came to the light. I can see that it was a stronghold. The lie was simple. Because I was displaced by my brother as a 1 year old baby from my mothers breast, a deep seat of rejection held strong when I cause hurt to my brother. A terror of seeing myself hurting him even though I am trapped when I tried to stop. I was hurting him as he cried everyday from my anger.
God reminded me that whenever I read Genesis about Cain and Abel the spirit of condemnation would always remind me of the curse of Cain: “You will be a restless wanderer in all the earth.” It also felt like “You will never find a home.” It sounded like a self fulfilling prophecy of my travels in Manila, Dubai and now Iloilo. I was cursed to be trapped in paranoia, confusion and guilt – always without peace. But the Lord had better plans for me.
As I stood there, God reassured me “You never have to work for me Ian to earn my love. I have already love you before the world began. When you think you have let yourself down. I am your great reward.”
In the same way I have qualified you into that relationship by grace, I can do the same for whatever you want. Seek Me first.” Like a little child asking for a favorite toy, I answered. “But I want to have this and this and this.” God just lovingly looked at my eyes and smiled.
The Lord answered, “Does that matter to you?” “Yes.” I answered. He smiled again.
“Let go Ian and seek me and all this things will be added unto you, I am the Lord your God. I have given this relationship without you laboring to deserve it. Trust me.” Then the Lord laughed a full hearty laugh. “Come on here, ” and He gave me a hug.
Then in the spirit I just sensed a release. It feels like I could rest in the presence of One so powerful. I feel secure. When the love of God overflows, chains of fear and anxiety wash away and get broken. Thank you Lord.