How to Hurt Less after a Loss (of Love) or
Why my first loss didn’t hurt as it should
She came back and saw me. Small talk. Then she dropped the nuclear. It came with fire. It explodes! I squinted through the smoke.
After a few seconds, I check for damage. I was unhurt. But how?
It’s not me like me. I remember once during 2008 recession when my company let me go. That was a rejection bomb. By the way, the stronghold spirits operating in my life is the Spirit of Rejection and Spirit of Fear. They have full control. So when my boss spoke the word, it felt like the whole sky turned black and dark all of a sudden. A heaviness fell over my heart and a dagger plunged deep into my soul. Ouch!! As much as I want to look casual and fine, I can’t. I looked broken and hurt. That is the power of a stronghold.
But this was a major bomb. It was a nuclear. And it was my first hopeful relationship. But why was I unscathed? I may be wrong, but this is why I didn’t hurt as much as I should from this loss.
Disclaimer: This is not reality as I may still be in denial. But this is as honest as I could on what my perspective looks like.
- I received more Love from God than I gave to her.
Everyone talks about “You cannot give what you do not have.” For those who don’t know God personally, receiving love from God is almost impossible. (Try to ask me) I didn’t know God personally before October 2017. But as I received God’s love every day, my security is growing from holding on to people to holding on to God. The next best thing is to love yourself but nothing beats receiving love from God.
- I strictly monitored my intentions.
Another saying goes “The heart is deceitful above all things.” I also learned that women for the long term respond to intentions. They may laugh at jokes, get attracted to cars and status but they can smell it. They can feel if a man has core and substance. Men of substance always have great intentions. Unclear intentions are the only reason women flake out.
I stopped any action that was “performing” and “trying to please” the other person. I stopped myself from explaining who I am – I expect that a person should love me not because I am wise, cool and handsome but because I am me even with imperfections.
- I opened my heart to my Leaders – including the shameful parts of being me.
I firmly believe that healthy relationships are lived in community (no hiding, friends who care) but at the same time, community is not a good excuse for manipulation. (using people to get a “yes”) At the same time, isolating the other person can also be manipulation (don’t talk to our common friends about us)
Community played a significant role in my decision making because the more I listened, even to advice different from mine, I became more confident of my choices. Please note that I wasn’t dependent on other people’s opinion – healthy individuals take responsibility for their own life.
- I chose to celebrate my life in spite of the loss.
Thanks to my LEAP 69 classmates and coaches, I have a fabulous playlist of reflection and celebration music.
Please comment on what else needs to add to these. 🙂 Of course there are a million other songs out there, just a few 5-10 songs will do. Not so much the songs but also what I went through with my Coaching Class at OCCI.
I believe celebration is a weapon of spiritual warfare. It magnifies and believes the best of God’s intentions for your life no matter how bad it looks and feels like. It throws the enemy into confusion (“I thought he’s supposed to be broken now.”) and gives them a taste of hopelessness. (“No trauma we can do will make this guy straighten up.”) This might be challenging for you but I think I have this strength in my personality. So don’t force it. Just be aware that you can.
- I clearly understood what I am responsible for.
“Kapag niligawan kita, sagutin mo ba ako?” is a powerful line because it short circuits the guesswork if the guy ever needs to give effort. But the rest of life you cannot control.
Understanding what I can and cannot do stops me from feeling guilty and putting myself down for something I cannot change. I can buy a ticket, buy flowers but I can never control how she responds. Asking gives me information so that I could increase my knowledge and therefore my responsibility. I am responsible for what I do not know about her and what I do not know about myself.
I am not saying my life is perfect. What I am saying is my God loves me unconditionally, I hope we can try do that, too.
- I trusted that God’s intentions are always the best for me.
This is huge. I guess this is the reason for all the negativity I am trying to undo in my life. For 3 decades, I didn’t know how to trust God. When I finally learned, it takes away a lot of fear and pain. When I trust, life is easy even in huge losses whether relationships, career, business, friendships.
- I kept working on my Friendships to make them Healthier.
Birds of like feather flock together. I know I have unhealthy emotions and thoughts. I have to be deliberate in seeking couples and friends who are healthy emotionally. Check your friends, are they there because of ministry or because they benefit from you or do they
genuinely love you. I’m blessed to find friends, men and women who really care even if I’m at my worst.
- I have learned (just basic actually – still learning) the habit of giving without expecting in return.
Because I have received love from God and from my friends, I am starting to want to change from a taking friend to a giving friend. I’m still stingy and calculated, legalistic but God is in the process of changing me.
- I have learned (also basic – still learning) the habit of being thankful.
Thankfulness with an object – “to God” is a very powerful weapon. Wholeness don’t come from buying a car, promotion in the corporate world, earning a high salary or having many friends. Wholeness comes from contentment. Contentment comes from the overflow of thankfulness. This thankfulness is based on trust on the stable, unchanging character of God’s provision, care and love.
- She has poor boundaries.
I have poor boundaries too. Yet she shares of herself too much too soon. Why this is a reason why I hurt less is because he or she who has given more to the relationship will hurt more when a mental, emotional knife is cut equally between two connected persons. Receiving a lot of shares placed me in a better position to respond to a loss. Even if I care that she hurts less, I cannot be responsible for her sharing more than she is ready.
This was not written to brag that I am so mature. In fact this was written to show how insecure I am and with God’s grace I was able to adjust and make life work through listening and trusting in God and staying open, honest and vulnerable. And I thought vulnerability was a weakness. In reality, it is indeed a superpower. 😀