Being there for Me
For decades now, something is wrong in my experience of church. There’s a weird factor that is messing up the results in my life. What i know is that the bad habits I want to change are invisible when I’m in church.
I can see that church, the bible and God is my excuse why I cannot live the goals I set for myself.
When I’m in church I’m prone to self pity, blame myself, blame others or blame God. In church, I also dont allow myself to do things that are “unbiblical” which makes me stuck.
I have to say that generalizations can sway reality according to assumptions. I want to emphasize that
So how do you change a bad habit? “Read more Bible” and “pray about it“? It didnt work for me the times I did try it.
I’m not saying that prayer or the bible is ineffective. What I am admitting that it did not work the specific times I tried it.
Nothing is wrong with church. But if I want to deal with this invisible limiting beliefs I need to see reality “more clearly”.
Telling me to stop believing doesn’t help because these beliefs are just fruits of my core beliefs. At the core of my beliefs is that I am a Christian, I shouldn’t question my God and obey my church leaders.
It took me time to let go of my core beliefs. Frightening to let go of my relationships in church because it was my identity. If this was 1800s, I can be excommunicated and scare myself of hellfire. Letting go is a process. I am still alive.
Finally staying out of church allow me to have good boundaries and make decisions I deserve I need. Without feeling selfish.
So staying out of church allow me to have good boundaries and make decisions I deserve I need, without feeling selfish, cursed and anti-God. I am just being me.